Clearing the Air: A Therapist’s Guide to Letting Go of Toxic People

By Michael D. Erickson LPC, Licensed Mental Health Therapist

Understanding Toxic Relationships

One of the most transformative steps you can take on your mental health journey is recognizing the impact of the people in your life. Our relationships—whether with friends, family, partners, or coworkers—have the power to uplift us or drain us. As a therapist, one of the most common issues I see impacting my clients’ well-being is the presence of toxic relationships.

What is a “toxic person”?

This term often gets thrown around casually, but let’s define it with intention. A toxic person is someone whose behavior consistently adds negativity and stress to your life. They might manipulate, criticize, belittle, guilt-trip, lie, or otherwise emotionally harm you. These patterns often leave you feeling anxious, unworthy, or emotionally exhausted after interactions.

Toxicity isn’t about a single disagreement or rough patch—it’s about consistent patterns that damage your self-esteem, inner peace, and psychological safety.

Signs of a toxic relationship:

·      You feel worse about yourself after spending time with them.

·      You walk on eggshells around them.

·      They drain your energy rather than replenish it.

·      Your needs and boundaries are consistently ignored.

·      There’s manipulation, gaslighting, or emotional abuse.

It’s important to acknowledge the discomfort that comes with naming a relationship as toxic. Especially when it involves a loved one. But identifying toxicity is not about judgment—it's about healing.

Why We Struggle to Let Go

Even when we recognize someone as harmful, walking away is often not easy. As a therapist, I’ve seen so many people hold on to toxic relationships out of guilt, fear, obligation, or hope for change.

Here are some reasons we struggle:

·      Fear of being alone: Loneliness can feel more intimidating than a bad relationship.

·      Guilt or obligation: Especially in families, we’re taught that “blood is thicker than water,” even if that blood is poisoning us.

·      Hope for change: We often believe that if we love someone hard enough, they’ll become who we need them to be.

·      Low self-worth: If you’ve experienced trauma or low self-esteem, you may believe you don’t deserve better.

·      Shared history: Years of memories, milestones, or trauma bonds can keep us emotionally entangled.

Letting go may feel like giving up. But there’s a crucial difference between abandoning someone and protecting yourself. Setting boundaries and stepping away from toxicity is not betrayal—it’s self-preservation.

The Psychology of Boundaries

Boundaries are the invisible lines that define what’s okay and what’s not in our relationships. They are essential for protecting your emotional space. In toxic relationships, boundaries are often non-existent or routinely crossed. A common dynamic I see in therapy is the people-pleaser who tolerates emotional harm to avoid conflict or rejection. This self-sacrificial behavior may feel noble, but over time, it erodes your mental health.

What healthy boundaries sound like:

·      “I’m not comfortable discussing that.”

·      “If you continue to speak to me like that, I will leave the conversation.”

·      “I need time to think before responding.”

·      “This relationship is no longer healthy for me, and I need to step back.”

Setting boundaries might feel selfish or harsh at first—especially if you’re not used to it. But boundaries are not walls to keep people out; they are fences with gates that let the right people in and keep harm out.

The truth is: people who benefit from you having no boundaries are the ones most likely to be upset when you start setting them.

The Process of Letting Go

Eliminating toxic people isn’t always a clean break. It’s a process that involves emotional unlearning, grief, and rebuilding. Here’s how I guide clients through it:

1.        Acknowledge your truth.

Give yourself permission to recognize the harm caused. Journaling, therapy, or honest conversations with trusted people can help validate your experience.

2.        Make a plan

If you’re ending a relationship—especially one that’s long-standing or volatile—plan your words, anticipate their reaction, and have support systems in place.

3.        Set firm boundaries.

Whether you're going low contact, no contact, or something in between, clarity and consistency are key. Don’t fall into the trap of re-explaining or defending your decision repeatedly.

4.        Expect emotional backlash.

Toxic people often lash out, play victim, or guilt-trip you when you step away. Prepare emotionally and stay grounded in your reasons.

5.        Feel your grief.

Even when someone is harmful, we grieve the version of them we hoped they’d be. That grief is valid.

6.        Fill the space with healing.

When a toxic person leaves your life, it creates a void. Reconnect with supportive friends, hobbies, or therapy. Rebuild your sense of self-worth.

Freedom on the Other Side

Letting go of toxic people is rarely easy—but it is always worth it.

On the other side of that emotional labor is peace. It might be quiet at first, even lonely. But slowly, something profound begins to grow: a life filled with people who respect your boundaries, honor your feelings, and nourish your soul.

·      You begin to breathe more freely.

·      You stop questioning your worth.

·      You make room for real love.

If you’re reading this and realizing you need to step away from someone harmful—know that you are not alone. Therapy can offer a safe space to untangle these relationships, process the pain, and rediscover your voice. You don’t have to carry toxic people through life just because you started the journey with them. You are allowed to choose peace over chaos, clarity over confusion, healing over hurt. And as your therapist would say: that choice is not only okay—it’s essential for your mental health.

Need support?

If you’re navigating a toxic relationship and don’t know where to start, reach out to a licensed therapist in your area. You deserve support, safety, and a life where your peace is protected.